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16:00   |   26/03/2019

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2 MILLION COOKIES FOR MY 2 MILLION SUBSCRIBBLERS
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  • It had finally happened
  • I hit 2 million subscribers
  • I remember it like it was yesterday
  • It was Monday, March 18th, and I had finished eating breakfast just in time for this event
  • I was obviously ecstatic
  • I wondered to myself how I would ever get through the school day with something so monumental
  • Nagging at the back of my mind.
  • How would I ever focus in chem?
  • Or Calculus?
  • But these questions did not live for long before something else dawned on me-
  • something much more d i r e
  • Now, I presume that you're literate and clicked on this video because you read the title
  • So you know what happens in the end.
  • However, in that moment I was asking myself:
  • What on God's green earth am I going to do to celebrate this milestone?
  • Do I bite the bullet and bake cookies into oblivion?
  • It's certainly what the masses wanted and you know what I say-
  • You ask, I answer.
  • So, ladies and gents, I present to you this mess of a video.
  • Now, I think it's worth asking
  • Should I be making this video?
  • Obviously not.
  • Is this a good use of my time?
  • Also, no
  • But guess what
  • After a good two seconds of pondering the pros and cons-
  • I've made up my mind that I would in fact do this video
  • So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:
  • 2 million cookies for my 2 million subscribers.
  • What's up, my dudes?
  • So today begins the madness of baking
  • If you can recall from last time, this video was not so much of a fun experience
  • So I went all out in the hopes of having a better time
  • I just got back from the dollar store with my mother because we had to pick up two things:
  • 1. I got two of these baking sheets
  • Making this video with just one baking sheet would just be criminal and so painful.
  • and 2. I got four of these plastic containers
  • To store the unholy amount of cookies that I'm about to make
  • I also purchased... Get this, three standalone mixers off of Amazon because my greatest
  • Downfall last time came from the fact that I had to hand mix everything and it took ages
  • So this was my solution.
  • Now, they're not those fancy KitchenAid stand alone mixers because those are really expensive
  • And I'm not about to spend like three thousand dollars on one video
  • So I had to do with these, they're 50 dollars each. You heard that right.
  • Do they work? Only time will tell on that one. And do they smell kind of off?
  • Yeah, but what was I expecting for $50?
  • and with that I baked and baked and baked.
  • Now these next clips originally had audio to them but here's what happened
  • I thought I would be cute and used two microphones from now on because they have two million subs and I would just keep going
  • And going until I had a small colony of microphones
  • But for some reason they stopped working and now I'm left with a series of soundless clips. Don't worry. You didn't miss much
  • So I'll just narrate what the hell is happening.
  • The recipe in question called for 1 and 1/3 cups of all-purpose flour
  • After that half a teaspoon of salt but WAIT.
  • it was at this moment that I made my first mistake
  • I was not supposed to use the standalone mixer for the dry ingredients.
  • Nay, I was supposed to use a regular glass bowl and hand mix it
  • So I transferred everything and got back to baking.
  • Time for the baking soda, 1/2 a teaspoon of it. Whisk everything together and set it to the side.
  • Now is the exciting part, we get to use the weapons.
  • In the mixers' bowl, put one whole stick of butter and then melt it.
  • Once you have the bowl of fat put in 1/2 cup of sugar, 1 whole egg
  • I got too excited with the egg and rendered the first one useless.
  • And one teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • Then, the madness begins.
  • Use your mixer to mix everything together as violently as possible
  • I have to admit, the addition of three standalone mixers to my team had its advantages and disadvantages as predicted.
  • Yes, they saved a lot of time and muscle power, but they also happen to be the worst standalone mixers I have ever bought.
  • For starters, the mixer itself is just a handheld mixer that is held over a bowl.
  • Great design, geniuses!
  • And second of all, the mixers teeth don't even reach the centre of the bowl!
  • They just stay to one side like nervous Nellies and don't mix anything
  • So I have to manually push the batter to that side
  • But nevertheless I went through the recipe thrice and produced a butt ton of batter before I sat down to craft my cookies.
  • Now this...
  • This is by far the worst part of this whole process. It's meticulous. It's tedious. It's mind-numbing
  • I despise it, but the cookies are not going to make themselves
  • So I had to manually make them.
  • Similar to the other cookie videos I've made, I'm making nipple cookies
  • The only bad part about this whole situation is that it's double the work.
  • After you handcraft each one, you have to go back and put a singular chocolate chip on each one.
  • Like I said before; it's prisoners' work
  • I was quickly going through my supplies. I was making progress, lots of it.
  • Some things worth mentioning
  • It was very hard to not eat the raw batter -
  • But then I remembered all those medical horror stories on TLC about Ecoli and how it throws a mini Coachella in your body if you eat raw eggs -
  • - so I stopped.
  • No. 2, my mom came down at around 7 p.m to start making dinner.
  • She was making pasta with tomato sauce
  • Yes, TOMATO SAUCE. I could not believe I had to share kitchen space with such a demonic fruit.
  • And no. 3, I was keeping track of all the cookies I'd made by recording them on my whiteboard.
  • Each time I went through the recipe I was able to make about 1 to 2 trays of approximately 160 cookies each
  • They were very tiny though. It was like making tiny chocolate chip cookie cereal.
  • Actually, that's not the worst thing I've ever heard. Oreos needs to get on that.
  • It was 7 p.m when the poop really hit the fan. As you can probably guess, I was getting fatigued
  • I definitely do not have cooking endurance, and it was coming out in this activity
  • We still had what felt like a metric ton of batter to go through, so my parents stepped in to help for the millionth time
  • First my mother, we were becoming fluent in the art of cookie making. We were pumping out those turds with the vigor and zest of GORDON RAMRAM
  • My dad saw the war we were waging and decided to step in
  • Our battle plan? Me, the wounded warrior shaping and molding those little cookies with my bare hands
  • While my parents assigned to one chocolate chip for every cookie
  • This was when the engines really started turning. My dad got fancy
  • He started using two hands to make the cookies while using the cabinet in front of him for head support.
  • My mother, she was just along for the ride, which was still great.
  • It was nearly 10 p.m when we finished for the day
  • We cleaned up my mess and got ready for the next day
  • Which was sure to bring more trials and tribulations our way.
  • Now the next morning, I woke up with the memories of yesterday still fresh in my head
  • It was still the school week
  • So I wouldn't be able to continue my cookie endeavours any time soon,
  • but that didn't stop me from thinking about the mad fun I was having.
  • The battle I was engaged in in the kitchen was transcending boundaries
  • It was too exciting. After I got out of school, we had some errands to run
  • We were running low on supplies
  • So my mom and I hit the local grocery store to stock up.
  • Hello, my dudes
  • So we're raiding the grocery store for supplies because we ran out of a couple things
  • My mom and I, we're working together here. You need butter and eggs.
  • And butter and eggs, did we find
  • I also took this opportunity to grab some extra sugar and flour.
  • Soon enough, we were back in our car and are on our way to another evening of cooking
  • *small laugh*
  • And so day 2 begins.
  • Today, our goal is to finish the bin I was filling up yesterday and then fill up another one
  • And hopefully half of another one yet
  • So, today's gonna be a fat day.
  • You know, a lot's gonna happen, a lot's gonna go down. And I just hope that you're picking it up
  • *weird grunt*
  • I've literally been eating cookies this entire day
  • It's not a good situation, but it's also my best decision yet. So, I don't know what that's supposed to mean.
  • Anyways, let's begin
  • Y U M M Y
  • And cookies did I bake
  • The goal today? Speed.
  • I was plowing through the batter and spilling out cookies with a speed that has not yet been seen on this planet.
  • I was no rookie. I was a professional and I did not come to play.
  • On a side note, I forgot to mention this yesterday, but I spilled the vanilla extract all over the recipe
  • Hey, Joanna, last video called and they want you to spill the vanilla YET AGAIN
  • Anyways, I charged forward.
  • The cookies weren't going to make themselves
  • I would also like to thank all the people who alerted me to the toxicity of aluminum foil after my last video.
  • Turns out if you use aluminum foil instead of wax paper to bake...
  • You will turn into the tin man's evil cousin: the aluminum man.
  • Update, so I've been baking for about 30 minutes now, and I'm happy to report that I've burnt my first batch
  • Look at this. We have three boobs just stuck together. I've also been eating way too many cookies
  • I'm on the keto cookie diet, in case you didn't know that.
  • So, 60 to 70 percent of my calories comes from cookies and the rest comes from avocado toast
  • I kept on going, bins were filling up, cookies were being baked
  • I got a bit explorative and decided to try to half the total amount of butter
  • Why? Oh, because there was butter everywhere!
  • On my hands, on my tripod, on my camera, on my phone. You name it, it was on it.
  • I had also devised a really dope playlist to get me through the baking process
  • I would like to share it with you now.
  • I mean, who knows if there's anyone out there making 2 million cookies. Maybe this could help you too.
  • First off, Love My Way by the Psychedelic Furs. This song is incredible
  • It gives me xylophone vibes, but in a very good way
  • I can imagine that this is what Tame Impala would sound like in the 1980s.
  • Next up we have the devil herself: Madonna with Hung Up
  • Actually, the amount of people who legitimately think Madonna is Satan is alarming.
  • OK, I need to stop talking before I stir the pot of controversy.
  • This song, all I can say is...
  • AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaa
  • It's great. It's beyond amazing.
  • I feel like walking into the bank to deposit $1.00... It's THAT good
  • Next one's a classic
  • September by Earth Wind & Fire
  • If the world was ending, I would listen to this song as everything descended into absolute chaos around me.
  • And if you disagree with me, go set yourself on fire you pyromaniac
  • Even the mixers were dancing! It doesn't get much better than that.
  • Now, we're getting a little bit more modern
  • We have Talk Fast by 5 Seconds of Summer.
  • Now, I was never a very big fan of their earlier work, but their latest album slaps and goes so hard.
  • This song is no exception
  • Moving right along! Now we have what I believe is Billie Eilish's best song: When I Was Older
  • It's so hauntingly beautiful and incredible and you have to listen to it.
  • And mind you, I'm kind of over my Billie Eilish phase. So this is unexpected, even for me
  • We're taking it even farther back to the 70s now with RASpuTiN
  • Not going to lie, this song is funky and weird in all the wrong places, but man is it G R O O V Y.
  • You also feel like a badass when you listen to this song. So there's that added benefit
  • And finally, we have HYMmnnmn for the Weekend by Coldplay
  • Fun fact! Beyonce makes an unexpected appearance in this song and it's the most beautiful thing ever
  • I hate how people kind of forgot about Coldplay.
  • Like, they're only there for Viva la Vida and once their castles built on pillars of salt and sand collapsed,
  • They were gone. Guess what, Saint Peter definitely won't call your name if you do that again.
  • Anyways, it was around 6:15 p.m
  • When my PG-13 rave ended and I, I was still motivated
  • *VERY LOUD WHIRRING*
  • *yelling* THIS IS WHAT GREETS YOU AT THE GATES OF HELL.
  • SO THIS IS THE MADNESS THAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW.
  • AND I APOLOGIZE FOR MY SCREAMING BUT THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I THINK YOU GUYS CAN HEAR ME.
  • We're about 13 batches in and we're going strong
  • We've made a butt ton of cookies already
  • But we still have all these to fill. So you know what, I'm keeping my head up
  • We still have a long way to go
  • Flash-forward about 45 minutes
  • I had made the executive decision to make a bunch of batter first and then go on to make the cookies.
  • I made 13 times worth of the recipe! There was so much batter it was honestly offensive.
  • But nevertheless I began the painstaking process of crafting each cookie
  • At the beginning, it wasn't that bad
  • I was flying through the task at hand and having fun.
  • I could tell a visible growth in the number of cookies I had
  • They were growing, expanding like some sort of disease.
  • Suddenly everyone would become infected and their brains would just be one giant cookie.
  • BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT
  • We even had our own dance party. We're very graceful specimens
  • I don't know what else to tell you, but it didn't take long before the reality of the situation hit me like a tonne of bricks.
  • I had been baking cookies for nearly two hours and I had barely made a dent in the amount of batter I had.
  • So, obviously, I was panicking. So in came my parents to save the day.
  • My dad and I started first because my mother...
  • Ok so here's what happened.
  • Earlier, she got excited when she saw that I was baking cookies and decided to steal a couple of them
  • What ensued was the greatest sugar rush in mother Goose history. She was air guitaring to Fleetwood Mac
  • Like there was no tomorrow and it was beyond hilarious
  • So, unfortunately my dad and I had to pick up the slack and bake those darn cookies ourselves.
  • Not gonna lie, we were really effective at doing this. I would mold the cookies and he would place the chocolate chips
  • We were making large dents in the amount of batter we had.
  • it was impressive and inspiring to say the least
  • The first batch went into the oven, then the second, the fourth, seventh, 19th, the nth number,
  • The w, the yellow one, the one with dots, WE LOST COUNT and we didn't want to count because all that mattered was the dwindling batter
  • and the growing bins of biscuits.
  • My dad took a break and my mother stepped in to help. We were so pumped that we even belted out Bohemian Rhapsody in
  • A beautiful performance
  • *incoherent mumble-singing*
  • MAMA OOOoooOOO
  • (rutabega???)
  • It was nearly 12 a.m when we finished baking. It was way past my bedtime
  • I was still electric from this exciting night of baking
  • But I remembered that I had school the next day, so I decided to call it a day and go to bed.
  • Now, this is where the story gets slightly tricky
  • Any normal human being would have stopped this madness right now after yesterday night's moments of chaos.
  • But am I a normal human being? No.
  • There were still three sticks of butter just chilling in the fridge
  • And I felt this sudden urge to use them to make one last batch of cookies
  • So, after school that day, my mom brought me some more eggs and I got to baking
  • On this day, my parents were busy
  • So I would not be getting any extra help. It was all up to me
  • I baked two recipes worth of the batter and got to making the cookies
  • At this point I was just eager for this video to be over but there was still some indeterminable
  • Infallible and indefinable urge to use up all my resources, i.e the butter.
  • So I had to keep going. I sleep walked my way through six trays worth of cookies
  • And finally I was down to my last stick of butter. The light at the end of the tunnel was coming into sight
  • It was the final stretch, the last hurrah. This is where it all started falling apart
  • For some stupid reason, the batter was completely dry
  • So when I was putting the chocolate chips on the cookie, they were breaking apart and cracking. It was disastrous.
  • So, I had to improvise
  • I baked the cookies the way they were; chocolate chip-less.
  • This is where it gets nasty, so you have been warned.
  • I then just threw some chocolate chips on the tray and let their heat melt the chocolate so that it covered the cookies
  • Let me just say, it was a bloodbath. It was the worst thing I think I've ever done
  • But, it didn't end there. There was still enough batter left to make two more trays worth of cookies
  • So, I split it up into two portions. The first half, I added some extra butter so that it wouldn't be dry
  • I also added the chips because I was tired of meticulously placing one chip on each cookie
  • I thought this was gonna work. I thought this is gonna be genius
  • Well, it wasn't because what ended up happening was that once I microwaved the batter to melt the butter
  • It also ended up melting the chips
  • Now It just looked like straight-up poop. The other half I mixed in the chips
  • But did not microwave it so that I wouldn't end up with the same mess.
  • It ended up working. Another 30 minutes passed and I had crafted all my cookies
  • It was finished. Now all that was left was to bake them. And after six minutes of baking, they were finished
  • I was finally done with this activity. What the hell do we do now?
  • No one knows. And what can you do with this video? I also have no idea.
  • On a more serious note however, I owe you all a big fat thank you. Thank you so much for 2 million subs
  • I was ecstatic when I hit 1 million so 2 million seems unreal to me now
  • The fact that I can do this and have a platform is mind-boggling for me
  • And I am eternally indebted to all of you for this opportunity. So once again, thank you
  • I have one last piece of information to share with you all
  • I was extremely curious about what effect this whole cookie extravaganza had on my health
  • So, I asked my dad to measure my blood sugar levels. You might be wondering
  • Joanna why on earth do you have a blood glucose meter if neither you nor anyone in your family is diabetic?
  • Well
  • My dad decided to buy one to manage his diet and I thought I would try it out to see exactly what effect it had on my body.
  • Now, to measure this you have to prick yourself. I hate needles. So this is extremely hard for me
  • My heart goes out to anyone who has to do this on a daily basis
  • *screaming and various forms of "NO"*
  • NO! OHMYGODAAAAAAAA
  • Anyways, after 30 minutes of struggling I finally pricked my finger.
  • And the results, a whopping seven point nine
  • For context, my average for fasting blood sugar level is four point five. So, it nearly doubled
  • Anyways, I thought that was a fun little piece of information to share with you all. So, that's it.
  • That's the end of the video. I love you and I'll see you all in the next one

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JOANA SWEATER NOW AVAILABLE: https://hellojuniper.com/channel/UCkin59aR57-RgqvN04jHSIg/p/1865852518461

Oh, I’m sorry. You said you wanted lobster guts- wait, its you! No, you are NOT allowed in my store again. Not after what you did last time. Why? Because I don’t want to. You have been stopped. Leave. Sir…sir, why do you have your flashlight out? Is that a tac light? I heard it’s made from air-craft Grade aluminum and can withstand extremes of temperatures, from freezing to boiling. It’s water-proof and shock resistant.

Hi, I’m Nick Bolton, and you’re watching the Disney channel.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ewww_its_joana/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/tweet_joana
Cameo: https://www.cameo.com/ewww_its_joana
P.O Box: Joana Ceddia P.O. Box 35532 York Mills Plaza North York, ON M2L2Y4 CANADA

If you want to translate the video: http://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?tab=2&c=UCkin59aR57-RgqvN04jHSIg

Current sub count: 2, 029, 162

With love,

Jichael Cackson

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