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Xem Will Weldon - The Worst Second Date Ever - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

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29/01/2015

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Will Weldon - The Worst Second Date Ever - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored
Will Weldon - The Worst Second Date Ever - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored thumb Will Weldon - The Worst Second Date Ever - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored thumb Will Weldon - The Worst Second Date Ever - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored thumb

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  • And then she slips into
  • like full on tantrum mode where she like presses herself into
  • the wall and starts going, "You owe me a major apology."
  • Thank you, everybody. On this show here's what
  • happens, it's just a bunch of comics telling true stories and
  • that's all it is. Tonight it's all about fights. He's
  • absolutely hilarious, you guys love him. Give it up, Mr. Will
  • Weldon, everybody. Let him hear it. I was out on a
  • second date with a lady. And our first date had been fine, you
  • know like date where afterwards you're like, "I still have no
  • opinion on this person." Like it could still.. We had a nice
  • time, but then she slept in until 11:30 the next morning,
  • and that's a weird thing to do in a stranger's bed. Like it's
  • just weird, it's weird to have someone in your bed and you've
  • like written some e-mails and read for a bit, and you've got
  • like a coffee and you're like, "I don't know, is she dead? What
  • do I do now?" But, uh, so we went out again. And I took
  • her to get dinner to pay her back for the tickets to this
  • thing we did on the first date. Also, we didn't sleep together,
  • in case she sees this and she's like, "You lying piece of shit."
  • She just slept at my place, so I didn't even like wear her out
  • with sex or anything. We were like, "Good night." I don't do
  • that anyway. It's not my move. But so we go out, we
  • get dinner and that's nice, it's a nice time and she tells me I'm
  • like cute and funny. And I'm like, "Yeah, sure, I don't know
  • how to feel good about myself in appropriate ways, so that's
  • perfect. That's just what I need outside validation." And we go
  • back to my apartment, we leave my car and her purse there and
  • we go to a bar and we drink at a bar 'cause you do. And we're
  • there and we're having like a nice time. And she's like three
  • beers in and then I kinda just see her face kinda start to
  • change. And earlier in the night we walked by a bridal store,
  • just like by happen stance. And she had been like, "That's a
  • really nice dress." And I was like, "Slow down, like.." 'Cause
  • I'm an asshole so I was like, "Take it easy, lady."
  • She was like, "No no, I just mean, it's nice, it's a
  • well-made dress." I was like, "Well, I don't want to get
  • married again anyway, so it doesn't matter to me 'cause I'm
  • an asshole." And she's sitting there at the second bar and I
  • kind of see her.. she's like laughing and I like watch her
  • face get very serious and she's just like, "You know, Will, I
  • think it's really sad that you don't want to get married again.
  • You know, I think it's really sad. I think it's sad, you don't
  • want to get married again because you are basing that
  • decision not off of a marriage, but off of a divorce. Because
  • you are divorced, Will. You're divorced." First of
  • all, I know. I was there and it was terrible. But also, I was
  • also married. Like I can't just be divorced. You must be married
  • to get divorced. And I start to explain to her that and then
  • I'll tell her like, "Oh it's just not for me and I'm not
  • insulting the institution." And I start to say that and she
  • goes, "No! No! Do not interrupt me, do not interrupt me or I
  • will leave!" And in my brain I'm like, "I wonder if there is a
  • way for me to get her to just leave now." 'Cause the date is
  • over at this point. No one is ever like, "Well, she won me
  • over when she screamed in my face not to interrupt her.
  • That's when I knew, that's when we really clicked, when she made
  • a scene on the second date." And then she's like
  • spiraling, she's getting so mad. She's like, "It's pathetic, it
  • is pathetic you don't want to get married again. It's
  • pathetic. You're just so pathetic. It's pathetic you
  • don't want to get married again because I have been through so
  • much in my life and I will get married. I would get married and
  • I have been through so much. I had a fiancé who abused me
  • physically, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, I'm cool with
  • those things now, but at the time I was not cool with what he
  • wanted me to do in bed. Which I love that she was like, "Yeah
  • I'm cool now, don't worry about it, but back then, in case you
  • turn this around somehow, you're in for a good time, buddy."
  • And she's like "It's pathetic, I, you know, I was
  • anorexic, I weighed ninety five pounds, and now I am one hundred
  • and ten and now I am healthy, I am healthy. Okay?" And maybe
  • that seems like a lot of like personal information to be
  • throwing at someone on a second date, but earlier in the night
  • I'd been talking to her and she had mentioned she and her and
  • mom donít get along and she was like, "Yeah, I think my mom
  • resents me because when I get pregnant at eighteen, I went and
  • got an abortion and like made the decision that she didn't
  • have the courage to make." And also knew that she was an only
  • child, so I was like, "Are you ripping on your mom for not
  • aborting you right now?" I am very pro-choice, but even to me
  • that seems crazy. "You coward, you didn't abort me, you
  • piece of shit." Like, it's insane behavior. And she's so
  • mad, she's like, "Pathetic, you piece of shit, it's pathetic."
  • And then she's like, "We are.. I am calling an Uber and we are
  • going back to your place and you are driving me home." And I was
  • like, "I've got a crazy idea, why don't you call an Uber and
  • go home? Like, why don't we cut out the middle man being me and
  • you just go home? Because, honestly, you've been really
  • rude to me tonight. I don't want to drive you home." And she
  • goes, [gasps] "How dare you? First of all, my purse is at
  • your apartment and I do not know where you live." And I filed
  • that away in the good news pile, for sure. Checkmark.
  • And then she's like, "But, also, how are you talk to me like
  • that? No one has ever spoken to me that way." Which means she
  • had the world's most polite abusive fiancé. Like, he'd just
  • be like, "Time for a walloping, Madame." So I'm like, "Yeah,
  • sure, fine, just get out of my life." So we go out and she
  • calls the Uber, it shows up, we get in. I open the door for her
  • and as she gets in she goes, "Fuck you," like under.. like
  • she's like, "Now is not the time for chivalry." So we
  • take the car back to her house and I'm talking with the driver
  • as if nothing's going on 'cause I know it is making her so mad
  • that I am not acknowledging the reality of the situation.. That
  • I'm just like, "Oh yeah, crazy night. Nah, we were just having
  • drinks and heading back now." She's like, "I'm gonna.. this
  • piece of shit.. I just wanna.." So we get back and we go up to
  • my apartment. I go and splash like cold water on my face
  • 'cause that's like what people do in movies during really
  • stressful situations. And I go into my bedroom and she's like,
  • "I looked it up, a taxi home is twenty five dollars, you owe me
  • twenty five dollars." And I'm like, "No, no, I'll
  • drive you home. It's not.. I will drive you home, like I want
  • to make sure you get home safe." And she's like, "I'm not getting
  • in a car with you after you have spoken to me like this. You have
  • called me rude and a bitch." And I was like, "I did not call you
  • a bitch, I don't call people that. I don't use that word, I
  • did not call you that." So she's like, "Well, calling me rude is
  • the same thing." It's really not the same thing at
  • all, at all, at all, at all. Like if you look up "rude" in
  • the dictionary, it's not gonna be like, "See also: bitch,"
  • like. So I'm like, "No, I'm not giving you money." And she's
  • like, "Give me twenty dollars." I go, "No." She goes, "Give me
  • fifteen." I go, "No!" And she's like, "Okay, ten." And I'm like,
  • "This is not a Bazaar in Calcutta, alright? We're not
  • bartering over your.. you're getting a ride home or you're
  • paying for your own way home, but I'm not giving you any
  • money." And then she starts to cry and she's like,
  • "Well, apologize to me then. Apologize. You owe me a major
  • apology." That is going to become a key phrase over the
  • course of the night: "a major apology". She's like, "You owe
  • me a major apology." And in my brain I go, "Hey, now might be a
  • good time for me to take the world's stupidest and most
  • pointless stand." And I go, "No, I will not apologize to you. I'm
  • not apologizing to you." And she's like, "Apologize,
  • apologize!" And she's like crying and she storms out, slams
  • my front door. I go to my roommate's room, uh, and he's
  • like, "What was that?" And I'm like, "I have a story for you,
  • sir." And as soon as I finished it, there's like a
  • pounding on the front door. And I go, "For sure, that's her."
  • Um, absolutely, one hundred percent. There's no way it's
  • not, it's not Rahad downstairs like, "Just reminder about the
  • rent. Just wanted to pound on your door at one thirty in the
  • morning." So I go down and she's staying there and she's crying
  • and she's like, "You asshole. Why didn't you answer your
  • phone? I just want a ride home." And I'm like, "Well, my phone's
  • on silent because if I, I don't know if you remember this, but
  • at one point tonight we were on a date with each other." Like I
  • know it seems like a long time ago.. And I'm like, "Okay, I
  • will drive you home." And she's like, "No, apologize,
  • apologize!" And then she slips into like full on
  • tantrum mode where she like presses herself against the wall
  • and she starts going, "You owe me a major apology. You owe me a
  • major apology." Like you know how kids get out an impossible
  • number of words in one breath and you're like, "How are you
  • saying these many words so forcefully with one intake of
  • breath?" So then she migrates to my front yard and sits down and
  • is still crying and she's calling.. She calls me and I
  • hang up on her and I'm like, "I'm still over here, you know."
  • So I go over and she's still freaking out and finally I
  • go, "Listen, if you will not let me drive you home, I'm gonna go
  • back inside. I'm not doing this all night." And she's like, "If
  • you go inside, I will pound on your door all night." I go,
  • "Well, if you do that I'm going to have to call the police." And
  • she goes, "You fucking psycho! What the fuck? You're going to
  • call the police on me? What the fuck is wrong with you?" And
  • then she flips, and she's like, "You piece of shit, I'm fucking
  • glad you're divorced. You deserve to be divorced; you
  • don't deserve anything in life!" And I'm like, "So you
  • don't want the ride home then? Is what I'm taking from this."
  • So I start to go back upstairs and she's like following me like
  • cursing me out like a reverse hype man.. I'm like a rap..
  • like, "You piece of shit, you're nothing and I hope you don't
  • ever get anything and you're a fucking garbage to me." So I go
  • and I close the door behind me in her face and my roommate is
  • standing at the top of the stairs and he goes, "I thought
  • you were exaggerating!" So she's like pounding on the
  • door and then she starts calling me and she's like, "You fucking
  • piece of shit. You piece of shit. Face me! Come down here
  • and face me!" Like, like she's Achilles in Troy, like I
  • murdered her brother and she's like, "Face me in one-on-one
  • combat, you coward! Come down from your battlement, Eric
  • Banner." So she's pounding on the door and she's calling me,
  • and then she's like, "You fucking cunt, you fucking
  • coward." And then she goes, "Be a man and face me! Why don't you
  • be a man and grow a cunt?" Well, like, the best
  • insult of all time. Like that's so good. Like in her brain she
  • was like, "Yeah I'm mad but I'm still going to strike a blow
  • against society's binary notions of gender. Okay?" So finally she
  • figures out the magic sentence which is, "Get down here or I'm
  • going to destroy your car." And I'm like, "Fair enough, I will
  • see you in a few moments. Very good, you found the magic
  • phrase." So I go down and I show her on my phone I've dialed 911
  • and I press call and then she is like [gasps], ìYou called the
  • police on me? I just want a ride home. Hang up!" So I hang up
  • because why wouldn't I trust her? Like, has she acted
  • irrationally at any point tonight? No, no! Oh, the most
  • trustworthy source of the world. So I hang up, and it's
  • her. And I'm like, "Okay, let's go. Why don't we.." And as soon
  • as I put my hand on her shoulder she's like, "You piece of shit.
  • You don't fucking touch me! You don't touch me!" She slaps me in
  • the face and then she tries to kick me, but like I.. for some
  • reason, I throw up like an MMA style shin block. Not a thing I
  • have ever tried before. I was like, "As long as I am embracing
  • new experiences, why don't I give this one for a spin?"
  • And so I press redial 'cause that's a thing you can do
  • on a phone, that's like the flaw in her plan to get me not to
  • call the police and then to attack me is I can be like, "Oh,
  • right, I should have not hung up in the first place." So I press
  • redial and the dispatcher comes on and Iím like, "There is a
  • woman I was on a date with attacking me in my front yard
  • right now." Like as I say the words out loud I'm like, "Hold
  • on, is this really what's happening right now?" And also
  • I'm being very casual on the phone 'cause I'm not scared. She
  • is like so tiny. Like I'm not scared of her, worst case
  • scenario I just have to like destroy her in a fist fight.
  • Like that is, she's not gonna beat me. I'm just gonna
  • take her, it's like that fight Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins
  • got in where he was just like waving a guy around from his
  • jersey. So I'm.. I tell the dispatcher what's happening and
  • then this lady runs away. She runs off into the night like the
  • world's shittiest mystical creature. Like she was like, "My
  • terrible work here is done." I don't.. I still don't know what
  • that work was. And she.. so she's running off and
  • I'm talking to the dispatcher and then the cops come and I'm
  • like, "A woman was here." I was like, "She ran off." I'm like,
  • "I don't want to file charges or anything, I just don't know how
  • she's going to get home." I was like, "I'm sorry this is like
  • such a stupid call." And the cops were like, "No, this is
  • great, we love the easy ones." I'm like, "That's always great
  • to hear cops be like, "No, no, we hate working, this is
  • perfect." That was..the most, the second most reassuring
  • moment of the evening. And then they leave and then she
  • calls me twice and I send her to voicemail, she does not leave
  • one. One of my life's great regrets. And then after that,
  • she texts me a, "You know, it's really rude to not answer my
  • phone calls." Like, the most serious de-escalation of all
  • time. But the best.. and I never hear from her again, that is it
  • for our interaction. She blocks me on Tinder and Instagram,
  • that's fine. There's a lot of selfies of her bedroom, that's
  • fine. While I'm talking to the dispatcher, the best part is I'm
  • telling her what happened and I'm like, "Yeah, she attacked me
  • and she just ran off, she's run up the street toward Sunset. I
  • don't know how she's going to get home." And the lady goes,
  • "Are you still seeing her, sir?" And I'm like, "No, I'm not gonna
  • keep seeing her!" And then the dispatcher goes, "No, sir, I'm
  • asking if she's still visible to you." Like I think she's so bad
  • at her job she going to be like, "Are you going to see her again?
  • 'Cause this bitch sounds crazy." Alright I'm done. Thanks, guys.

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Description

Will Weldon slowly discovers that he is on a date with a frighteningly unstable person.

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