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Xem Kyle Kinane - Sad Sex - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

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19/07/2016

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Kyle Kinane - Sad Sex - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored
Kyle Kinane - Sad Sex - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored thumb Kyle Kinane - Sad Sex - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored thumb Kyle Kinane - Sad Sex - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored thumb

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  • - Like flashings, like a flirty, like...
  • [giggles]
  • This was just, [grunts]
  • [dark electronic music]
  • [cheering and applause]
  • - Hello, everybody.
  • Welcome to "This is Not Happening."
  • I'm your host, Ari Shaffir, and tonight
  • it's all stories about romance.
  • [cheering]
  • I fucking love him. You'll love him too.
  • Give it up for Mr. Kyle Kinane, everybody.
  • - This story takes place a little over a decade ago.
  • It was right before I moved to Los Angeles.
  • I was kind of making my rounds with friends,
  • so-- [clears throat] talking to a buddy,
  • and he's like, "Yeah," I'm like
  • "Hey, man, I'm leaving soon, so if you got any time
  • to get together," he said, "I'm having a birthday party
  • "with some co-workers. Uh, come on out, just--
  • You know, hang out with the co-workers, have a drink."
  • Say bye before you split town." So I did that.
  • [clearing throat] I met him at a bar called Durty Nelly's,
  • 'cause God knows there's not enough Irish bars
  • called Durty Nelly's in the world.
  • So I go and I meet up with my buddy.
  • I get there, my buddy's day job--
  • I-I know him from when we played in bands,
  • so it's like weird, it's like seeing like,
  • like old punk rock buddy, but his day job,
  • he taught severely developmentally disabled kids,
  • and that was-- that was his day job.
  • And that's a--that's a hard job. Like it only my--
  • I couldn't even put myself in the shoes of people
  • that do that job, like to deal with, you know,
  • severely developmentally disable--and you're there,
  • and I-I got to the bar and it was all teachers
  • from the school, and they all--
  • They were drinking because they needed to drink,
  • and they--and they had the looks on their faces,
  • like--like Vietnam veterans have softer looks
  • on their faces, then the people that teach, like,
  • the special ed that they taught.
  • Like, I mean, like GG Allin can walk around
  • with shit smeared on him,
  • but he knows where that shit came from.
  • It came from his own ass.
  • Fuck GG Allin, all right?
  • Talk to a teacher of developmentally disabled kids,
  • like, "Yeah, I got shit on me. I don't know where it came from.
  • My back's turned, and I don't have another shirt.
  • Get some more shots." That's who--
  • That's who was drinking at the bar that day.
  • And--and God bless them for doing that.
  • You know? For little to no pay that they're doing that job,
  • and they're all just fucking drink--
  • It wasn't even beers, it was just shots.
  • You can cla-- Yeah, applaud for it, yeah.
  • They bust their ass and somebody's doing that.
  • Thank God that they're doing that,
  • but they drank like they did that job.
  • They were like I said. There was no--
  • There was no buffer rounds, there just be a plate of shots.
  • And then, like, "Wait, we're gonna wait for the beers?"
  • "We're not drinking beers, pussy, just drink your shots.
  • Plural. We each get three."
  • "Okay."
  • So we're just-- We're just drinking.
  • Just blah, like I got there, but they--
  • It was--It's still daylight.
  • [laughter] They're school teachers.
  • They were done at 4:00.
  • It's 4:30, and they're just... [growls]
  • And, uh, you know, as the shots are going in,
  • 'cause you know--
  • cavorting and carousing, you know, that's it.
  • You know, you deal with that trauma every day,
  • and you release it however you can.
  • So all the teachers are mingling, getting together,
  • who's talking to who, and now I'm left
  • in the side room with a--with a gal.
  • And there wasn't even-- really any flirting
  • there was just some talking, and then she was--
  • Well, she--she was flirting with me--she started flirting.
  • Her way of flirting was to-- She just flashed me...
  • with a--
  • where there is a--with a totally ineffected face.
  • [laughter]
  • That's so off-putting.
  • [laughter]
  • - Like flashings, like a flirty, like...
  • [giggling]
  • This was just, [grunts]
  • [laughter]
  • And then she just left her shirt up.
  • Maybe she wasn't even flashing.
  • Maybe she was just airing out her boobs.
  • I don't know, but just like shirt was up,
  • and she'd look at me, and then she'd like
  • start doing something else, like,
  • "I feel like having a cigarette."
  • She digged through her purse, like, "Put your boobs--
  • Put your boobs away.
  • "This is a bar and grill, ma'am.
  • And it is almost dinner time."
  • So that was the-- That was the flirting.
  • That was it. That was me and--
  • My guess, me and you.
  • Unless I'm reading-- This messages are getting mixed.
  • Unless the airwaves are getting scrambled.
  • I think we're flirting
  • 'cause your shirt's been up for 20 minutes
  • and I have just been looking at it.
  • So then she goes, "Let's go to my car."
  • That was it. There was...
  • no kissing, no necking,
  • as the young folks like to call it.
  • No old-fashioned necking.
  • "Let's go to my car." "Okay."
  • 'Cause I've been having all the shots too.
  • I've been drinking like a teacher of...
  • developmentally disabled people.
  • I'm not built for that. So I was pretty shithouse.
  • So we walk out, and her car's right there,
  • in front of the door.
  • She was the first one at the bar.
  • [laughter]
  • So we just-- We get in her car.
  • And, "Okay, what are we gonna do?
  • Chit-chat? Get to know each other?"
  • "No. Fellatio."
  • Just like that. Just like,
  • "Oh, I guess I'll get in your--What is this?
  • Like a '89, '88? What--Oh, oh, Lord."
  • Just--Just right, just there
  • and I don't--
  • Because it's--Like I said, it's still daylight.
  • There--there people going to get meals.
  • And I'm also drunk, so I'm like--
  • Part of me is like, "Fuck, whoo!"
  • And--and another part is like, "Stop! Stop it!
  • "There's a children section of the menu for this place.
  • Knock it off!"
  • And so I'm like,
  • "We should--We should go around the corner or something."
  • She's like, "Ugh."
  • She was disgusted by the idea of privacy.
  • "Ugh!"
  • So, uh, fires up the car, and we pull out.
  • I don't know how much shit we ran into,
  • but just, turn the wheel and just bumper bowled.
  • We find a parking spot or a yard or something.
  • And, uh--
  • And there's just--
  • So there's some, like, messing around,
  • but nothing, and I'm like, "I don't--
  • This shouldn't happen, but it's--
  • It's a mixed emotion to be like,
  • "Am I taking advantage of you," or I'll also be like,
  • "Stop, stop touching. Stop, stop.
  • "No, s--get--no. Get out.
  • You get out of there." And--
  • But then I feel like, "No, I really shouldn't.
  • And, um...
  • then she's like, "Well, I'm just gonna drive home."
  • And that can't happen.
  • At this moment, she's a threat.
  • She's a threat to the community...
  • And that's when I realized
  • that just, out of pure civic responsibility...
  • I have to have sex with this woman.
  • [laughter and applause]
  • To keep the streets safe for the kids!
  • And, all right, if--
  • If keeping you off the roadways
  • for a few more minutes
  • saves a life, here we go.
  • And then we were both just dipping in and out
  • of consciousness through the whole thing.
  • There's nothing-- I mean, I don't care
  • how many, you know, Bruce Springsteen,
  • Bob Seger tunes you hear, like,
  • ♪ Well, we had sex in the car ♪
  • ♪ It was fumbly, but it was hot and sweet and innocent ♪
  • It sucks. No, it sucks.
  • It's just shitty, and you're trying to have sex
  • and there's just a gear shift
  • that's almost poking you in the ass,
  • and part of you is like, "Maybe,"
  • and you're like, "Yeah, don't."
  • Only at the fact that one of you get excited,
  • bump it into neutral, now you're in the traffic.
  • So and then you got one knee in the fucking change cup
  • and the other one in the ashtray,
  • and nothing's hot about it.
  • It's just clumsy and shitty, and maybe you come,
  • and maybe you fall asleep and who knows what happens.
  • [laughter]
  • Either way, we both wake up from a nap,
  • and, uh...
  • Both pantsless.
  • Just waking up from a nap pants--
  • Both just Daffy Ducking, right in the front seat there.
  • You know, that that we were all--
  • Whatever--whatever we built up to, it's happened.
  • So how do we...? What do you--What do you do?
  • Small talk, I guess.
  • Just like, "[laughs], so...moving to California."
  • [laughter]
  • She just goes, "My kids live in California."
  • And--and she took out a picture of her kids.
  • Her kids were as old as I was.
  • Like I'm thinking, "Kids," like, "We're having sex,
  • so your kids, like, "No, your kids are--
  • Oh, my God, how many? Jeez, you got hot kids, lady.
  • Oh, I just banged the mom of some hot kids."
  • That was the end of that effort.
  • "Moving to California? Look at my hot kids!"
  • All right. Dead end.
  • Still sitting there. It's rude to leave, you know?
  • Plus, we were still drunk. I don't know.
  • And suddenly I see a cassette tape laying there,
  • I'm like, "Oh, all right. Look at that, oh, Journey."
  • Thank God. Everybody likes Journey
  • and how metaphoric, because what has this evening been?
  • [laughter]
  • She takes it off my hand, now she gets mean.
  • She takes it off my hand, she's like,
  • "That Journey I taped over it!" "Oh, no!"
  • "With what? A slightly better band?"
  • "No." Puts it in the cassette deck.
  • Christian rock music. "Oh, mm, mm."
  • Which she promptly starts singing along to,
  • because she realized she sinned.
  • So I thought I was gonna just--
  • I thought I was gonna not stop believing.
  • Now I don't believe in anything.
  • [laughter]
  • I still don't wanna leave. It still seems rude to leave.
  • Like, maybe she just likes the chord progressions.
  • She was like, "Oh, it's not-- It's not Journey for sure.
  • It's Christian. You're a Christian?"
  • And somehow we just let logic
  • to where...she just--
  • Forgetting that she believed in Jesus, decided to get
  • real upset and say, "It's all your fault,
  • because the white man stole my people's land."
  • At no point did we discuss
  • ethnicity at all
  • in the evening
  • and, um...
  • "I'm gonna go."
  • [laughter]
  • That is kind of a good argument against the white guy.
  • It's just, "You stole my people's land."
  • "You got-- You got me."
  • [laughter]
  • "I don't know what else to do. Did we wear a condom?
  • Never mind. I'm gonna go."
  • And, um...
  • I just, uh--Yeah, I left.
  • I got out of the car at that point,
  • 'cause I realized there was nothing I was gonna do
  • that was gonna remedy the situation,
  • and, uh...
  • I hope she's well.
  • There's no...cool moral
  • or a sweet little bow on the story.
  • Just a--Just a yarn about how I stuck my dick
  • where it shouldn't have gone.
  • [laughter]
  • That's it, so thanks, everybody.
  • [dark electronic music]

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Description

Before Kyle Kinane moved to L.A., he went to a bar to meet up with a friend who taught disabled kids and hit it off with another teacher.

Watch full episodes of This Is Not Happening now: http://www.cc.com/shows/this-is-not-happening/full-episodes

Follow Kyle Kinane on Twitter: https://twitter.com/kylekinane

Theme by Run The Jewels. Purchase the LP here: http://apple.co/1ARsXOf

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