They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid.
Well, I hope it was worth it,
'cause I'm gonna take it apart in about 5 minutes.
I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.
If I can skin a mule deer in less than 10 minutes,
I ought to be to cut my way--
It's kinda blurry.
Question. What kind of bear is best?
That's a ridiculous question.
False. Black bear.
Well, that's debatable, there are basically two schools of thought.
Fact, bears eat beets.
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Bears do not-- What is going on!? What are you doing!?
Last week, I was in a drug store, I saw these glasses, $4, and it only cost me $7 to create the rest of the ensemble, and that makes a grand total of... [a few beeps later...] $11.
Michael: Here's what's gonna happen, I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale.
A-A more micro form of management, Jim, what is that called?
Michael: Now, Jim is going to be the client, Dwight, you are going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile, or difficult,
Dwight: Alright, fine. [clears throat] Ring. Bill Buttlicker: Hello? Dwight: Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin paper company. Oh, that's great, 'cause I need paper.
Excellent, you are in luck, because we are having a limited time offer only on EVERYTHING.
Oh, this is my lucky day!
Michael: Ask him his name.
Dwight: What is your name sir?
I am Bill Buttlicker.
Really? that's your real name? Bill: How dare you!
My family built this country, by the way!?
Michael: be respectful, Dwight, please. Dwight: Yes Michael.
Dwight: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you.
Jim: [Places bobblehead on table]
Identity theft is not a joke Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: MICHAEL! Dwight: Oh, that's funny, MICHAEL!
Bill: Hold on one second, that's my other line. Dwight: Wha- No- But I-
Bill: [On other line] Hello? [scoffs] oh yeah, I was just on the phone with a STUPID salesman, he's SO dumb.
Probably just keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. [Long pause...] Okay.
Michael: It's up to you to change his mind.
[Click] Bill: Sorry, that was a family emergency. Dwight: Oh no! what's wrong? Bill: You know what? That's private. Michael: Boundaries! Dwight! Come on!
Karen: Hey. Jim: Hey. Karen: Who are you faxing so early in the morning? Jim: Oh, um.... Kinda hard to explain.
I don't have a TON of contact with the Scranton branch but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes, from himself, from the future.
"Dwight, at 8:00 A.M today, someone poisons the coffee, do NOT drink the coffee, more instructions will follow, cordially, Future Dwight."
[Stanley walks out with a fresh cup of coffee]
[Dwight sprints around the office like a madman]
You'll thank me later.
Dwight: As I was saying, We're having a limited- Bill: You're gonna have to talk a little bit louder, I'm hard of hearing.
Michael: Sorry if he's an old man.
Dwight: Okay, as I was saying, right now-- Bill: Gotta talk louder.
*Louder* Okay, our prices have never been lower. Bill: Son, you have to talk louder.
Dwight: Never been lower! Ne-- Bill: LOUDER, SON!
BUTTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER! HE--
*Michael: *Loud Whisper* STOP IT!, STOP IT!
[Short Composure pause]
[Loud Whisper] That is totally inappropriate.
[Loud Whisper] You never yell at the client. You NEVER yell at the client. Bill: You listen to me sir. Michael: *disappointed* Here we go.
Bill: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile, and definitely difficult.
*Repeatedly* Dwight: Please Mr. Buttlicker, give me another chance. Bill: I'm irate right now. Michael: *Also repeatedly* Give me the phone.
Dwight: I have to put you on with my boss. Bill: Well I should hope so.
Bill: Who is this? Michael: Hello, this is Michael Scott, Regional Manager. Bill: Well this is William M. Buttlicker.
Hello Mr. Buttlicker, how may we help you? Bill: Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna buy $1,000,000 dollars worth of paper products today.
Dwight: [Laughs excitedly] Michael: See how it's done?
Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it. Dwight: You are the master. Bill: There is one condition, Michael, Michael: Yes. Bill: you have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Dwight: Don't do it, Michael. Michael: [Whisper] It's a million dollar sale.
Dwight: Where is my desk!? [Long pause] Jim: That is weird.
Dwight: This is NOT funny, this is totally unprofessional.
Jim: Okay well, YOU'RE the one who lost the desk.
Dwight: I didn't lose my desk.
Jim: Okay, calm down, where was the last place you saw it?
Dwight: Okay, WHO MOVED MY DESK!?
Jim: I think you should re-trace your steps.
Dwight: Okay, I am going to tell Michael, and this entire office will be PUNISHED! Jim: Colder...
Jim: Warmer... little warmer.... there ya'-- ooh.... warmer....
Ooh... Warmer... HOT! RED HOT! HOT! [Fades out] VERY HOT....
*Dwight, just sit down already!*
Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Jim: Hi, Dwight, um... What sorta discounts are we giving on the 20-pound white box? Jim: I've given you this information, like 20 times. Jim: I know.
[Sorry, can't clarify :|]
Okay, thank you, gotta get back to work.
Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words, "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons, I suspect Jim Halpert."
"Everyone has called me Dwayne all day, I think Jim Halpert paid them to." Jim: [short chuckle] YES, five bucks each, it was totally worth it.
Jim: You look cute today, Dwight. Dwight: Thanks, girl.
So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot, which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight FINDING drugs is more dangerous than most people USING drugs.
Jim: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you. Dwight: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me. Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight: I would remember. Jim: well how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That's not how it works. Jim: Now, how would you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off okay? I'm interviewing you! Jim: NO, YOU SAID THAT I'D BE CONDUCTING THE INTERVIEW WHEN I WALKED IN HERE, NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE!?
Dwight: (Wha- What?)
Michael: "This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I commited murder. I think he may be the real murderer."
"Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." [DX]
[Michael cringes] Michael: [Deep breath] God.
Photographer: Smile. Dwight: No. I Never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates, once someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
Jim: This came out really well. There ya' go. Dwight: [Holds up Tag] This is humongous, I am not a security threat, Jim: Oh. Dwight: and my middle name is "Kurt", not "fart".
Jim: What did I write?
Michael: "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone." [Looks at Dwight, confused] Jim: [Snickers]
That actually took a while, I had to put more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then, I just... took them all out.
Michael: "Every time I typed my name, it said "diapers"." Jim: Just a simple macro.
Jim?(Steve) : Morning Dwight. Dwight: Who are you? Steve: Who am I? I'm Jim, we've been working together for twelve years. Weird joke, Dwight.
Dwight: You're not Jim, Jim's not Asian!
Steve: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hat's off to you for not seeing race.
Dwight: Alright then, Jim. Why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?
Steve: Wellington Systems, sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock.
Or were you talking about Creeker Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Creeker waiting for me.
[Automated Voice] Please enter your password.
*Enters Jim's password*
[Automated Voice] You have one new message. Dwight: How did you know?
Dwight: NO, NO, no, that is sensitive information, only for employees, not outsiders! Steve: Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.
You don't work here! You're not Jim! Pam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation, [?] at 7:30. Steve: Oh, great, can't wait. *Kiss*
Jim's at the dentist this morning, and Steve is an actor friend of ours.
I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. [grabs photo] THIS IS JIM! Steve: (You mean me?)
Dwight: Oh-- Oh dea-- Oh, how did-- (I don't know how they pulled that off :/)
Roy: So what's the deal, we have to pay for our own drinks? That's lame. Pam: Come on, it'll be fun, and besides, I'm a roulette expert.
Dwight: Impossible, roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim: I could always count on winning roulette.
Dwight: Oh really? M-hmm. Jim: Yeah. Dwight: How would you do that?
Jim: Mind control.
Dwight: [Laughs] You can't be serious. Jim: [Looks at Dwight with a stoic expression] Dwight: Are you serious?
Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like eight or nine, I could, sorta' control things with my mind. Dwight: I don't believe you, continue.
Jim: [Sighs] It was just little things, you know? Like, I could make something shake, or I could make a marble fall off the counter, you know? Just little things.
Dwight: That's ridiculous, you know what? Uh- Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me everyone, attention in the office please! Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers. And he needs absolute silence.
Dwight: Go ahead.
Jim: Okay, I'll try.
[The coat rack moves]
[Pam holds up the prank, wordless.]
[Jim concentrates harder]
Dwight: Oh my god.
[Please subscribe to the office, it's an awesome channel, and please subscribe to me as well, I put time, effort, and a little dash of love into this.] (Armyman042705)
So, yeah... Bye!
Over the years there has been tomfoolery a’plenty in The Office. Revisit some of Jim's best pranks against Dwight.
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