Xem Come with me to a swim meet

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Come with me to a swim meet
Come with me to a swim meet thumb Come with me to a swim meet thumb Come with me to a swim meet thumb


  • March 4th 2019, the day of the water
  • *yeets the door open with the force of the dark side*
  • I know im a nerd and proud but... I AM
  • Hello my creations of the universe that's not even solved yets. So, you probably already read the title.
  • You probably read the title, Joanna is doing something close to impossible. (I go drown)
  • I never really showed this part of my life on camera,
  • i want to film this part of my life flexing on non-swimmers...
  • what happens...
  • The swim meet starts tomorrow.
  • For all my swimmers out there, I'm swimming in the DEEP BOIS.
  • You know, I've already packed my bag, I'm ready for battle.
  • Im bored ill let you enjoy the vid in peace.
  • itz mah bday...… pls say happy bday.
  • I need to wax my legs because you actually go faster when you're an albino. (fun facts with john cena)
  • *sis, 𝓱𝓸𝓵 𝓾𝓹*
  • *coughs*
  • We have out wax strips. OH! Don't demonetize me!
  • These are cherry scented wax strips. I don't know if you can smell it through the camera.*MmM smell good*
  • I got it because the packaging was pink,
  • so they really sold me on that one. You know??
  • While I'm doing this, I think I need to give some more context to this vlog.
  • So, I've been swimming for EXACTLY a DECADE.
  • I've always kind of been iffy with competitions; they do stress me out a lot.
  • I did get a panic attack two days ago because of this meet, and i'm not saying that to be relatable and funny. (#relatable #quirky)
  • I was crying and wheezing and it wasn't fun.
  • So this swim meet, it's actually a school swim meet,
  • but the way it works in Ontario is every school district has their own, like, championship meet
  • and then if you swim a certain time, you get to go to provincials and that's the meet tomorrow.
  • Something else I should mention is this meet is two days long,
  • so it's probably going to be a THICC vlog.
  • Look at that. Mmmmm. Yummy. (slurpity slurp)
  • O.K. I'm so sorry that was absolutely nasty.
  • *rips* ow.
  • AGHH!
  • I'm going to wax my legs, and i'll see you guys later.
  • and with that being said, I waxed my legs unmercilessly. the results...
  • they showed. my legs were as hairless as the devil's bald head. At this point, my mom had already finished making dinner,
  • at this point, my mom had already finished making dinner,
  • so she summoned me from my den. on the menu: a delectable quinoa salad and some chicken boobs.
  • if there are any vegans watching,
  • i would implore that you put down your pitchforks because you're dealing with a hefty amount of firepower here, sister.
  • it was nearly 8pm when i went to take a shower and go to bed.
  • the last thing i remember from that day was watching violent fight scenes to get me in the mood for tomorrow's inevitable battle.
  • Tuesday began bright and early at 5:34 a.m. it was time to wake up and get ready for the day ahead.
  • Joana!
  • what outfit were you wearing?
  • oh, i thought you'd never ask!
  • first off, i had this white fleece that i commonly used for painting!
  • underneath it, i already had my swimsuit on. i mean, i didn't come to play.
  • for trousers, i wore these under armour joggers and finally the pièce de résistance, the magnum opus,
  • my CROCS. on this day, i decided to don my sister spicy brother beautiful pepper crocs. why? to intimidate the competition, of course!1!1!
  • it was then time for breakfast.
  • and yes, I'm still eating avocado tortillas.
  • what? they taste good and they're extremely practical.
  • i dare you to paypal me your anger.
  • good morning, dogs cats and aliens. we are on the drive to the pool and feeling pretty good.
  • i'm feeling really light because yesterday i did a lot of nervous eating,
  • so i just like ate a bunch.
  • but then, i also did a lot of nervous pooping if you know what i mean. everything just came out the back end.
  • so i lost like three pounds and i'm feeling really light. anyways, i'll see you guys at the pool.
  • it was around 7 am when I came knocking at the door of the pool.
  • at this point, it was time for warm-ups.
  • now, this this is definitely the most painful part of swimming.
  • in case you haven't noticed already, i hate the cold and jumping into a freezing cold pool is no easy task for me.
  • so here's footage of me procrastinating and struggling to get into the water.
  • if you're wondering i go through this same process every single time i go for a swim.
  • someone please make insulated swimsuits, i would buy 30 in each colour.
  • aside from those struggles, however, warm up was good.
  • i mean, it's pretty much equivalent to the hunger games since there are approximately 72 million people in the pool at once trying to swim.
  • but if you go in with fire in your eyes people generally don't mess with you.
  • hey guys, guess what? i'm naked. completely butt naked.
  • but anyways, now is the second worst part of the swim meet.
  • it's when i actually have to put on my race suit because it's like three sizes too small,
  • and it feels like you're compressing yourself into a singularity. it's not fun.
  • so yeah, i'm gonna put on my race suit and then i'll you guys behind the blocks in the water when we're swimming past
  • what? okay, i'll see you guys in a bit.
  • and after twenty minutes of slow work, i finally managed to get my suit half on.
  • i was planning on putting the straps on closer to the race since i didn't want my shoulders to be destroyed, but it was still tight.
  • VERY tight.
  • anyways, it was time for my first race on the schedule the two hundred free: eight lengths of a twenty-five meter pool
  • i have to admit. i look ridiculous before my races and jumping and dancing, it's just ludicrous
  • at precisely 9.33 am that morning, i was behind blocks, ready to dive in.
  • at this point, i would like to quickly rant about the two hundred freestyle.
  • what an odd distance. it's too long to sprint but too short to pace yourself and regardless of how you approach it,
  • you always end with your limbs on fire, so that's fun.
  • but other than that, i have to admit. this race was pretty good.
  • flash forwarding about 1.5 hours, it was time for my next event.
  • this time, it was the medley relay.
  • i started with 50 meters of backstroke, aka nasal destruction.
  • the amount of water you get up your noses is unholy and don't tell me that i should use a nose clip because I've
  • tried that and i feel, look and sound like squidward and voldemort's lovechild
  • next up, breast stroke. this is Therese and her breast stroke is perfect for my standards at least.
  • breast stroke looks like a frog. it's really not fun.
  • then, Jennifer dives into the pool doing butterfly.
  • she has an obsession with saying 'hi sisters' at very impromptu times.
  • she's also a solid 7 feet tall.
  • why she hasn't donated some of her height to me yet, we'll never know.
  • and finally, this is Erin.
  • erin texted me two days before the meet that she had a 117 degree fahrenheit fever.
  • that's 47.2 degrees celcius.
  • how are you not dead yet?!
  • anyways, obviously i was heavily concerned at this point but lo and behold, erin texted me one day later that her body temperature had gone down to 86 degrees fahrenheit
  • for context, normal body temperature is 98.6 degrees fahrenheit
  • WHAT? you mean to tell me that you are 12 degrees colder than normal, how are you not dead yet?
  • anyways, I'm glad Erin managed her extreme fluctuating body temperature because you wouldn't have been able to swim without her.
  • overall, the relay was a success. we won our heat, things were going well.
  • *sighs*
  • it was time to do that all over again. you heard me right dudes, this meet has prelims AND finals
  • so if you're in the top 16 swimmers after your morning race, you get to do it again.
  • ladies and gentlemen, finals is upon us. i'm nervous, but you know what, whatever happens happens. i'm not gonna stress about it.
  • i think it's worth noting that my spicy crocs have been receiving a lot of stares from people.
  • i don't know what that's about because to be honest. they're pretty normal-looking, who doesn't own these crocs?
  • everyone does! anyways wish me luck and I'll see you guys after my races.
  • so with that being said I took a caffeine pill to get
  • freakin hyped and munched on a slice of bread because i was starting to feel hungry and off to the races i went.
  • first up, the two hundred free. i was ready for battle. funnily enough, i was listening to Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive'
  • peace was never an option.
  • i have to admit, it was at this moment that all the physical activity really hit me
  • i was trashed. my muscles were being held together by flex tape, but you know what?
  • that's the purpose of the caffeine pill. am i right or am i right?
  • my goal was to stay with the girl to my left for the longest time possible.
  • she was faster than me, and for the most part it worked!
  • i ended up coming in second and shaving two fat seconds off my time.
  • i have to admit though, going into the final lap, i was just one ball of lactic acid, but it was worth it.
  • about 45 minutes later, it was time for the relay. i struggled with my suit to put the straps back on and got ready to jump into the freezing cold pool.
  • our goal in this race was to medal, but we weren't too sure about how that would pan out.
  • let me just say that this was probably the biggest shock of probably the entire swim meet.
  • my posse and I were nervous but we attacked the pool with the fervour of 1000 rhinos
  • not only did we end up winning the heat but we also took off four whole seconds from our morning swim!!!!
  • naturally, we were ecstatic! we were exuberant. regardless, this marks the end of day one and let me tell you: i was decomposing.
  • for one, i was starving so ate a whole baguette, like just the bread, and drove home barely being able to keep my eyes open
  • once we got home, i put my stuff down, took a quick shower and went to bed and that was it.
  • *spits out mic*
  • good morning, everyone. welcome back to aquatic hell day two.
  • today, i only have one event, the hundred freestyle. not gonna lie, i'm up against some stiff competition
  • yesterday after the meet, i was absolutely trashed, like I forgot how hard this was.
  • warm up is later today, it starts at 8:00 instead of 6:45.
  • anyways, i'm gonna finish my breakfast and I'll see you guys at the pool, bon apetit.
  • it was 7:30 when we left home. traffic had already decided to throw a temper tantrum so it took longer than expected to get to the pool.
  • i only had one race that day, the hundred meter freestyle.
  • it was a mad dash, four lengths of the pool at sonic speed.
  • now, i'm gonna limit my rambling on this day because I don't want to bore you.
  • at 8 am, i was in the water for a warm up and i was swimming up a hurricane, a tsunami if you will.
  • at 9am, it was time for me to take my caffeine pill.
  • fun fact about these pills, they actually taste awful.
  • they taste like ear wax. don't ask me why i know what that tastes like.
  • back to the story. i was getting pumped for my second last race.
  • no joke, i was listening to the soundtrack from the walking dead. some very good and intense bops on there my dudes.
  • anyways, the thing about the hundred free is that it's a sprint event. and what does that mean?
  • it means that you should be at least 8 feet tall.
  • so technically, i shouldn't even be here. little 5 foot four and
  • 3/8's me should just get up and leave. but regardless, i swam like a shark was chasing me and i won my heat and got into the finals safely.
  • by this point, it was already time for lunch.
  • so i ate a nasty banana, some stinky smelly eggs and a whole block of cheese
  • i must admit, it was a lunch for champions. back to the program.
  • four hours later, it was time for my final race of the entire meet.
  • in terms of the race itself, however, i was actually pretty pleased with how it went.
  • i was quite behind after the first 50 meters,
  • but i almost caught up to a girl and first after the third length
  • it was pretty decent and i, again, finished in second.
  • after the meet, we drove home. as both me and my mom were ravenous, and decided to order an extra large extra cheesy and extra thick
  • celebratory pizza.
  • it was scrumptious and don't you dare attack me for eating it with a spork and foon.
  • and that was it! that was my entire swim meet experience.
  • i would like to thank my mum for chaperoning me everywhere, my ridiculously tiny racing suit, and of course my caffeine pills.
  • i hope you enjoyed this video because i sure as hell just got such bad anxiety from
  • rewatching all my races and i will see you in the next one :)

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JOANA SWEATER NOW AVAILABLE: https://hellojuniper.com/channel/UCkin59aR57-RgqvN04jHSIg/p/1865852518461

Imagine you are in your kitchen. You want to get a glass of water, so you grab a cup, and open your freezer. You take out your ice tray, and dump a few pieces of ice intro your cup, but a singular piece of ice falls over the side of your cup and plugs to the floor. Since there was no one else in the kitchen, you kick the piece of ice under the freezer and get on with your life.

But what happened to that piece of ice?

You may think it melted and evaporated, but it indeed did not. That ice cube started a cult sub-freezer. Once it was able to create a portal to another dimension, it found more of its kind and is currently planning an attack. But don’t tell them I told you.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ewww_its_joana/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/tweet_joana
Cameo: https://www.cameo.com/ewww_its_joana

If you want to translate the video: http://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?tab=2&c=UCkin59aR57-RgqvN04jHSIg

Current sub count: 1, 947, 158

With love,

Jeorge Clooney



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